Thursday night

was amazing.
We celebrated the lovely space those builders created at St M's by putting up a platform for a small and simple forward altar. When I came up for Evening Prayer (after the splendour of the Chrism Mass in the Cathedral, with more clergy and bishops than you could ever dream of shaking a stick at [not sure why you should want to...] AND the same tabby cat who was took part in our ordination service, and who had clearly returned to renew his vows along with the rest of the college of clergy) WonderfulVicar had just finished setting it up and asked if it was "alright".
It was perfectly beautiful...a small table, a white cloth and 2 quiet candlesticks - it had a quality of stillness that made me weep inside and was one of the most real parts of an incredible evening.
The effect of being there behind that table as I presided was huge for me...There was a quality of intimacy and of vulnerability that just isn't there when you are up at the high altar with all its splendours, though they are right and proper at other times. In the morning FabBishop had preached about remembering as "bringing the past into the present" and this felt very very real as we gathered on Thursday night...I placed real bread in a wooden bowl and somehow we were there in the Upper Room.
Footwashing was particularly moving too...There were 2 benches on the platform, and some loved and beautiful feet (feet that preach the gospel of peace each and every day) to wash. As always we had trouble finding 12 volunteers (I was sad that Marcella arrived too late to be asked...her feet had worked so hard to bring good news through her walk earlier this month, I would have been honoured to wash them) so when I'd worked my way along the lines, with WonderfulVicar moving the bowl, freeing me to pour, wash and dry, he sat on the platform and I got to wash his feet...That felt so very very right and I'm grateful that I was able to do it.
Then the Communion, and a precious fragment of love given to each person...and suddenly we had to move on. This was not the evening to linger around the table and relax with friends..it was time to strip the altars, to listen to the choir singing psalm 22 in a darkened church...events were unfolding over which we had no control...Soon the church was almost empty. I moved the big wooden cross into the chapel and laid it on the purple cloth, with hammer, nails and whip at the ready. The Watch had begun.

Some Thursday images from the trail

No foot washing, but an ivitation to dip your finger into the water and make the sign of the cross, while saying a silent prayer to ask God to help you use your hands to care for people in a special way this Easter


Jesus said "Whenever you share bread and wine together and remember me, I will be with you."
As you eat your piece of bread, remember something about Jesus...






Alone in the garden of Gethsemane, Jesus faced his fears - of futility, of abandonment, of death - and then placed himself in God's hands. We draw comfort from his experience of fear and loneliness, knowing we have his promise that he will be with us always.



Although within us there are wounds
Lord Christ, above all there is
The miracle of your mysterious presence.
Thus made lighter or even set free
We are going with you, the Christ

From one discovery to another (Brother Roger of Taize)

More Taize

Wednesday

Today has been so good.
Productive morning, excellent lunchtime meeting, transformative session with the world's best SpirDir, and tonight the Taize service I'd put together around the Experience Easter stations.

After a slow start, with the congregation hesitant about engaging with the activity at the first station, it settled into a comfortable rhythm of reflection, action, chant and some truly wonderful space.Sitting silently together in the chancel when we'd finished singing "Eat this bread, drink this cup" was one of the most intense experiences of God's presence I've had at St M's - something to carry with me on the onward journey.

As we clustered around the cross, the words I'd chosen only last night were suddenly a perfect expression of the course the day for me.






O Christ
You take upon yourself all our burdens
So that freed of all that weighs us down
We can constantly begin to walk anew with
lightened step,
From worry to trusting,
From the shadows towards the clear flowing water,
From our own will to wards the vision of the coming Kingdom.
And then we know
Though we had hardly dared hope it
That you offer to make every human
being a reflection of your face.
(Brother Roger of Taize)

Tuesday - hurts and healing

Last year I blogged about the visits of some of our school children to the Experience Easter trail, and since the early Easter means that the school term doesn't end till 4th April it has been possible to invite the children into church during Holy Week itself this year.

It has felt a bit frenetic at times, as we weren't completely certain which schools were sending children until the very last minute, but I've been engaged with them for all of today, and it has been very good.
This time what struck me was not so much the stations themselves, but the children's thoughts and insights as they worked round them.At the Last Supper station, entitled Remember Me, they were invited to talk about special things that they might have at home that made them remember an important time or person, the idea being of course to lead them into thinking about the way we use bread and wine in the Sacrament....But one little girl told me about a photo of "our whole family, before my mum and dad split up" and another about a Bible that belonged to her dad before he died, and the conversations that opened up from there were quite amazing.
Then, when we came to the cross, the children were invited to sit and reflect on what they saw, and what it brought to mind. Mostly, of course, their answers were those they expected me to want (long ears, fluffy tail, - you know)
"It makes me think about Jesus and Easter"
But the response that struck me came from one of my Jaffa kids, who visited at the end of the day (by which time the cross was bearing a weight of post-it prayers).
J looked at it, and said quietly
"It makes me think that there are many sad and hurt people"


Indeed there are.

There are also some wonderfully affirming ones. A Jaffa kid's mother, who worships in another church in Ch Kings, took the trouble to come in specially to say some incredibly encouraging things, - the sort of stuff it really does help to hear when you're 2 weeks away from a new job. I then got to spend time with 2 of my dearest people at St M's, whose company made all the difference as I tried to put myself together having said my final goodbyes to the school children.
-------------------

Much later, I've been trying to sort out a service for tomorrow night, using music and prayers from Taize (and some of the Experience Easter stations too)...and I just discovered this prayer by Brother Roger,- worth staying up for, definitely.

Risen Christ, you take us with our hearts just as they are. Why must we wait for our hearts to be changed before we go to you? You transfigure them. With our thorns, you light a fire. The open wound in us is the place through which your love comes streaming. And within the very hurts themselves, you bring to fruition a communion with you. Your voice comes to rend our night and the gateways of praise open up within us.

Bullet points of light relief

• Life just got easier for this family on the move -Hugger Steward passed his driving test today, and has thrown his L plates away joyfully. Given the scheduling of the next few days, I am every bit as delighted as he is, even if it does mean that I never get to drive my own car again!
  

• E. our youngest First Communicant, has been at it again...her mum found a list of "people I like" lurking about the place...among school friends and family lurked "Geezus". I rather think he likes E too

• Conversation during a rather lovely party on Saturday night Random Party Goer "So, how are you" Curate "Rather manic actually...I'm moving house and moving jobs in a week's time and tomorrow the busiest week of the year begins" RPG "Oh, you must be a tax lawyer"
  

And so Holy Week begins

In previous years I have tried to write something thoughtful, or offer you a suitable poem or prayer for each day of Holy Week. This year, just getting through the next 7 days feels sufficiently challenging. It was always going to be an emotionally charged experience (after all, that's what Holy Week is) but the charge has been increased substantially thanks to my imminent move.
Of course, this has also introduced a counter-subject to the fugue, in the form of all the practical stuff that I could and should be getting on with...
So I may not manage much blogging as we go along (and if I do, perhaps you ought to ask me what I'm intent on displacing)...but I read this last night just before the Blessing at Evensong and thought it bore repeating. It's by Ruth Burgess, whose writing always hits the spot for me, and is publishes in the Iona Community's "Eggs and Ashes"

We tell your story
We follow in your footsteps
Lead us into Holy Week.

We walk towards the city
We wait in the garden
Lead us onto Holy Ground.

We journey towards death
We hope for resurrection
Lead us into Holy Joy.

Friday Five: Time and Transitions

Mother Laura came up with a Friday Five on a hugely pertinent subject, so despite being out and about till well into the small hours this morning, I'm joining in - late as ever...

1. If you could travel to any historical time period, which would it be, and why?
When I was a child, I spent a lot of time imagining myself in Tudor England...probably because I liked the big jewelery and the idea of a powerful woman ruling....and all that wonderful poetry and music about the place. However, as I do rather enjoy the benefits of modern plumbing I think I'd actually like to visit my parents as young marrieds in the early 1950s. Losing them when I was 18 means that I've no real sense of who they were as adults, as opposed to parents – and I'd love to change that, though I'm not convinced that I really want to experience the aftermath of rationing...
Hmmn. Maybe I'll just stay here - now is good.

2. What futuristic/science fiction development would you most like to see?
This week, as I run in ever decreasing circles, the ability to be in two places at once would be fabulous...or, better still, to stop time till I had caught up with it.

3. Which do you enjoy more: remembering the past, or dreaming for the future?
I do both, and love both...I love to tell the stories of the past and to see how our own stories intermesh with them, but when I look at my wonderful children I have so many dreams for them and their futures. On the whole, though, savouring the here and now feels like a good and wise policy....so I'm working on being present to the present.

4. What do you find most memorable about this year's Lent?
I fear that Lent has been high-jacked for me by the business of preparing to depart from St M's. The spiritual reading I promised myself, the space to pray and to be, have been set aside to be replaced by concern that I should end well, that I should do what I can to notice and appreciate all that is given to me in this place by these people. This may sound very affected, but one Holy Week during ordination training we were given a powerful and painful opportunity to meditate on our own deaths...As a parent, predictably my grief and anxiety was all around leaving my children. There was lots of other stuff around, of course, but I remember asking the chaplain in some desperation how she imagined that Jesus had felt as he connected his mother with his best friend, and was comforted by her answer “Utterly torn in two, I would think”....It has made it easier to consciously focus on his presence as I work on letting go of precious people and situations here.


5. How will you spend your time during this upcoming Holy Week? What part do you look forward to most?
Are you sitting comfortably?
Tomorrow, Palm Sunday, I am presiding at the early Eucharist, and then at 10.00 we have the Palm Sunday liturgy, a procession with palms from the shopping precinct into church and a Eucharist with a full dramatised Passion.
Monday features a last Assembly at the Junior School, and the setting up of the “Experience Easter” trail in church, ready to welcome one class in the afternoon....It also features a visit from FabBishop to our local secondary school, which is to become affiliated to the diocese, which is most exciting. In the evening we have Stations of the Cross..
Tuesday- another set of school visits, my final Jaffa Club and an Iona service in the evening
Wednesday – Home Communions (assuming I remember to contact those concerned) and meetings in Gloucester, followed by a Taize service at 7.30
Thursday -Chrism Mass at the Cathedral...the renewal of ordination vows, which feels specially wonderful and timely with my new job looming so largely ahead...the blessing of the oils (thanks to Marcella, I now have 3 completely undignified by completely water tight pots to collect the oils in...If I tell you that she works in the health service, I bet you can guess what they are usually intended for :-) )
Evening Eucharist of the Last Supper, with footwashing, stripping of the altars and the Watch in the garden...I'm both presiding and preaching at this service, which is for me one of the most special in the whole year...and I'm hugely grateful to WonderfulVicar for allowing me this privilege. After that I will head over to the Parish Centre where my lovely Koinonia have a sleep over and keep the Watch together...We have no huge craft programmes in mind this year, as they will all be tired from school (Easter doesn't coincide with school holidays in the UK any more thanks to the madness of the liturgical calendar...so they will only have Good Friday and Easter Monday as holidays) but we will keep watch with our Lord in the chapel, and just spend time together...maybe even sleep a little.
Good Friday – liturgy of the Passion, procession of witness with our ecumenical friends, the Three Hours (led this year by the ever wonderful Director of Ministry for the diocese, whose wisdom during my diaconal ordination retreat has shaped pretty much everything ever since...so I MUST be awake enough to hear him) and in the evening a choral concert in church.
Holy Saturday we rest in the tomb, or maybe we hang curtains at the new vicarage...till the Easter Vigil and Service of Light at 8.30......
Then there is Easter Sunday, with all its joy – enhanced by the admission of 4 children to Holy Communion for the first time. I'm presiding, and this is just the best way to say goodbye to the church family here.I am relying on the liturgy to carry me through the bits I would otherwise find impossible.
Prayers for the whole thing very very welcome.
There's a tea party in the afternoon, then I preach at Evensong – and that's it.
It is finished.


And then I get on a plane.
I can't help wishing the Big Event were a little closer to home, as the whole getting there and meeting up element feels very scary at the moment – but the prospect of a week drawing breath with some very dear people is a welcome one indeed. Too many transitions for one small curate....and not enough time, - but then, there never is!

Don't you agree

that this is the prettiest bicycle in Charlton Kings?

I took my final assembly at the Infants' School this morning and they presented me with the most beautiful basket of flowering plants...which I'll be able to introduce to the vicarage garden (which currently exists only in a state of potential) once we've settled in a little.
Some lovely warm things were said - but for me almost the best thing was the reminder that when I left Great Rissington behind me, on saying "Goodbye" to the village school I was certain that I would never feel so much part of a school community. How wrong - and that gives me huge encouragement as I contemplate the schools in my new parish, where I'm so much looking forward to making new links.

However, I have to say that my reputation for eccentricity received another boost this morn...Till you've seen a middle-aged curate cycling down the road with a basket full of flowers and a 3foot palm branch over her shoulder, you ain't seen nothing!

Well, I survived

my final Little Fishes this morning, more or less...WonderfulVicar led the worship, around a Palm Sunday theme, which was happy and chaotic (he's a brave man arming assorted toddlers with palm branches, but we all escaped uninjured) then quiet and thoughtful. Then we adjourned as usual to the Parish Centre - but it wasn't "as usual" at all, as, lo and behold, there was a party! With baby sausages, chocolate buns and iced rings and balloons...a proper party!

I rapidly discovered the best way to avoid weeping through the whole proceedings ("It's my party and I'll cry if I want to") was to grab the nearest baby ...so I ensured that I had constant camouflage and cuddles and got through it that way.
When we reached our song time at the end, F invited me to choose the almost-last song and, remembering how I'd felt before leaving for India 18 months ago, I opted for
"Wide, wide as the ocean".
It is scary to be setting sail from here, and goodbyes are never easy, but when I stop panicking for long enough to think straight I do happen to believe the words of the song...and anyway, there was so much love about the place this morning it ought to keep me afloat for a good long while.

Just what I needed

I came home today from a lovely but demanding funeral, feeling not unlike a piece of chewed string...but was instantly revived when I found a wonderful arrangement of tulips on my doorstep, a gift from one of the signs of hope I mentioned last week.
Normally I'd put them in the sitting room for everyone to enjoy, but such is the dilapidation of the study I think I'm justified in having them on my desk. They are certainly very effective in cheering me onwards...and I've cleared another couple of items off the list today, deo gracias.
Hearty thanks to the donor :-)

ummmm.........surely not!

Just found this on my desk - the instruction sheet for the water feature I bought for the last alt worship event

"Warning Label for Water Fountains
This hand -made Water feature, by nature of the style and function of the product, involves water"

Well, fancy that !!

But it's worth it

to read, on the back cover of a dot-to-dot book, written in E's own fair hand
"People in my family..... Mummy
Daddy
Rebecca
Perkins (editor's note: cat - deceased 2006)
God"

At 5, E is the youngest member of our First Communion group but, judging from this piece of brilliance, I rather think she's got the idea.

Frenetic activity

seems set to be the order of the day for a wee while longer.

Next week, after all, is Holy Week - which typically sends clergy across the globe into a flat spin -partly, at least, in our desire to have everything as neatly tied up as possible before Palm Sunday so that there's some hope at least of actually praying our way through the experience.
Add to that the fact that in two (2!!) weeks time LongsufferingClockmaker, the offspring and animals will have moved to our new vicarage, while I'm swanning off to the Big Event...missing the move completely, but not the mountains of guilt associated therewith, which are waking me pretty reliably around 5.00 am most mornings.
Remember that I'm hoping to move the Study before I go to the States...or at least, to get my books onto those eighty feet of diocesan shelves (this means cardboard boxes piled high beside the sofa) and to purge every paper I can possibly purge from my filing cabinets (this means empty plastic wallets all over the floor, creating an ice-rink effect which is ideal when you're running late for Morning Prayer)...
What's more, this week includes the funerals of two very dear and special people and the deadlines for two different parish magazines....AND a trip to Cardiff to see Hattie Gandhi in Pirates of Penzance, and another to Bristol to celebrate my very favourite solicitor...
Some time or other, there might just be a service or two, and a sermon or two to plot as well.
So, please may I have a licence to gibber??

Manic weekend

Apart from the curtains, this weekend has also featured

• My final CME with the other curates - which started, alarmingly, with me presiding at a Eucharist...for 35 assorted clergy.Given that the theme of the day was leading worship, you'll appreciate that this felt rather like submitting to a liturgical version of the Eurovision Song Contest (specially given 3 delightful visitors from our link diocese in Sweden!). Incredibly hard to get myself properly into the liturgy and become un-selfconscious....but a lovely thing to have been asked to do nonetheless.
  

• My final stint as on-call chaplain for the two hospitals...No sooner had FabBishop started to talk to us about leading informal worship than my mobile started vibrating...could I go to Cheltenham hospital urgently (we were on the edge of Gloucester). Of course I could, and arrived in time to pray and anoint....then back to the training day.

• Home to start a sermon for Evensong - but called out again ( to Gloucester - naturally)...such holy ground...such a privilege to be allowed to walk there...but hard and sad too
  

• My 58th (and last) baptism at St M's....I baptised J's big sister 2 years ago, and they are both Little Fishes so it was wonderful to be able to complete this bit of ministry with them

• A sermon for Evensong
  

I came home from Koinonia wondering why I should feel so weary...but guess it is something to do with the extremes of emotion that are a constant at the moment. Bedtime now, I think....and tomorrow my penultimate week begins. Oh my!

One thing from the check list (STILL being shallow)

I've just bid successfully for some crewel work curtains on ebay...I should end up with 3 pairs, new, fully lined for about half the cost of the fabric I'd been about to order (and which I'd then have had to pay to have made up)
I do marginally prefer my original choice, but definitely not to the tune of an extra grand!
And I'm happy that the magnolia calm of the vicarage is going to be enlivened by a bit of India too.
If you think these are plain hideous, don't say...getting anything ticked from my to-do list seems close to saving the world right now!

Reading Challenge update

Alas and alack, my habit of reading too many volumes at once and finishing none of them has been allowed free rein of late as I hurtle through any and everything I can find that might give me some helpful insights into the next phase of life and ministry. This means that it has been almost impossible to decide what I've actually read enough to include in the challenge...but I'm sure of these two at least

The Future of the Parish System -Shaping the Church of England for the 21st century
This is a collection of essays by a wide range of writers - helpful insights and no assumption that the parish system is de facto dead on its feet, which is rather a comfort given that I find myself embedded in it for the foreseeable future. There's a chapter (by Robin Gamble) on "Doing traditional church really well" which has had me saying "Yes!"an awful lot...

The Parish - by Malcolm Torry et al
I've had this for a while (I think I actually bought it at SPCK in Durham while Hattie Gandhi was uni shopping, 3 years ago...) and dipped into it on an off. Again it's a collection of essays, some more helpful than others, but this time round I was stopped in my tracks by a piece of writing about really seeing.
Just listen to this (from a chapter by Mike Harrison entitled Spiritual Seduction and Spiritual Sustenance)
"The philosopher Brian Magee suggested that the difference between what the blind miss and what the sighted miss is almost as nothing compared to what we all miss...The day you teach a child the name of a bird, the child will never see that bird again...Initially a child sees a strange object which is feathery, alive and moving, a source of fascination and interest. If the chlld learns to label the bird as a sparrow, then the next say when they see another such object we may find that they have been educated to say
"Sparrow. I've got that. Seen that. I'm bored with sparrows."
Surely this is pertinent for Christians, whose faith challenges us to see in surprising ways.
Must we not attend to the way in which we are seeing.
For what we see is anything but a neutral, objective act..."

I was intrigued by the suggestion that giving something a name so familiarises it that it loses its wonder and indeed its unique identity (since it becomes just one of a category)...It's counter-intuitive, in that you'd imagine naming to be a process of giving identity - but I can so see how it happens. Perhaps the task of priesthood is simply to help people to see...not by doing the seeing for them (though sometimes that seems to be what they expect) by constant re-telling of the story so that they can recognise and celebrate its patterns in their own lives. Does that work for you?

Hope Springs eternal

Sally's community have been through the mill this week, but she has been alert for signs of hope, things to lead us on through dark times - and her search has inspired this week's Friday Five

What have you seen/ heard this week that was a :

1. Sign of hope? There was something wonderful today, but that story belongs to another so I can't share it - except to say that my study was postively shining with hope for an hour this morning...Twenty small boys from the Beaver colony rampaging cheerfully around the church on Tuesday night...Those children from Little Fishes crowding round me, almost trembling with excitement at receiving a piece of bread "with love from God" were, as they always are, the greatest promise that all shall be well.

2. An unexpected word of light in a dark place? I'm being given lights by so many people right now, things to cherish and to take with me to hold when the road darkens...My "Kingdom Box" houses some real treasures ... and as an extra affirmation I was asked to preside at a Eucharist tomorrow for all the curates, at the last CME 1-4 session I'll be attending...

3. A sign of spring?

I have daffodils growing on my front lawn, and the trees around Charlton Kings are coming into leaf, and even into flower...Earlier this week, a sudden gust of wind blew down a mini blizzard of blossom as I made my way home from Evening Prayer.

4. Challenging/ surprising? As this letting go process continues, I was amazed to find myself achieving a handover of a situation that has demanded and received alot of love and attention , - and rightly so. But I made a last visit to pray with someone on Tuesday, talked about a future resource for her support, set it up and have managed to believe it will work. I've put it down (and there are no claw marks!) Both challenging, and in the apparent success, completely stunning.

5. Share a hope for the coming week/month/year....

Week: that I might get the curtains for the vicarage sorted (shallow? me???)

Month: that I might "go out with joy", with the thankfulness for all that I've learned, experienced and shared at St M's outweighing the sadness of Goodbyes

Year: that I might lay the foundations to become a good parish priest in my new context

Bonus play... a piece of music/ poem guaranteed to cheer you? Two contrasting possibilities - the Et Resurrexit from Bach's B Minor Mass or, alternatively, most things by Duke Special. I've never yet found myself in a place so desolate that this music wouldn't turn things round for me.

Not sure how to write about this morning, since superlatives are very trying for everyone else.
However, this was my last Little Fishes as worship leader, and I'd been given the helpful theme "Bread"so I determined to make the most of this opportunity.

We spread a cloth on the floor in the chapel and sat round it, mothers, fathers, grandmothers, and carers - and those so-loved children.
We lit the altar candles, poured out the wine and talked and sang about endings and beginnings, and about the continuity of God's love no matter what.
"God's love is like a circle, a circle big and round, For when you draw a circle no ending can be found
And so the love of Jesus goes on eternally, forever and forever, God's love for you and me"
I told them the story of that Passover meal when Jesus gave his friends the most precious reminder of God's constant presence with them. We sang our thanks
"All good gifts around us are sent from heaven above, Then thank the Lord, oh thank the Lord, for all his love" and then I broke the bread.
"Jesus told his friends to think of him whenever they did this, and he would be with them...That no matter what happened next, they were each of them loved and precious to God"
As I broke the roll, the children clustered around me...so eager, so excited you would think they had never been offered bread before. I couldn't help but contrast their delighted enthusiasm with the decorous lines that form in the chancel Sunday by Sunday...I gave each of them a precious fragment
"God loves Isaac...God loves Amy...God loves Sienna....Fiona...Connie...."
The adults passed around the cup of wine, sharing it when it felt right with the children ...an elder sister offered it with great seriousness to her younger sister...
I'd expected it to be sad, but it wasn't sad at all.
Rather it was deeply deeply joyful.
Truly Holy Communion. Thanks be to God!

With grateful thanks to M our verger

I am happy to report that the process of cleaning up my act has just become rather more entertaining.
Go and see for yourself!

The blogging future

is something I've been mulling over this recently.
After all, in just one month's time I'm going to be miraculously transformed into a wise, mature and organised priest-in-charge - oh no, cancel that bit - it is actually me whom they seem to have appointed....
But anyway...new job, new community...what do I do about the blog?
I've been quite open with my congregation here about my blogging, and know that some read and enjoy it while others undoubtedly lurk, with perhaps varied degrees of understanding of what I'm about. It's a public medium, so that's entirely fair and I never post about anyone identifiable without checking that they are happy for me to do so, nor say anything here that I couldn't comfortably say directly to those involved.
However, I do know that people sometimes add two and two and make five - and I'm not certain that ironing out misunderstandings is likely to be the best use of my emotional energy (or my time) - which is likely to be stretched in many directions as I try to grow into my new role.
So I find myself with a dilemma. I love the process of blogging...of reflecting on life and ministry and engaging in conversation with people across the world whom I would never otherwise have met. I value my blog friends hugely (and count some of them as among my most trusted friends of any description) - and I know that my thoughts on life and ministry are far more fruitful when they are part of a potential dialogue, in a way that my personal journal could never be.
But...I don't need any extra areas where I might fall over my feet in the months ahead. Some of you have, I know, had dramas when blogs have been stumbled across and conclusions jumped to, so you'll understand my anxiety.

The solution might seem to be simple, - a new and anonymous blog - but I don't think I'm capable of that degree of reticence, and in any case I think that some of my writing needs to be clearly attached to its context to "work" at all.
Another possibility might be a new private blog, for all the interesting things...which would leave this as a vehicle for more generalised theology, sermon blogging, book reviews and photos....That might make for a rather dull space here at Good in Parts, but would at least enable me to keep on sharing all the joys and struggles without fear.

I'm simply not sure what to do and would welcome your thoughts and suggestions. Meanwhile I'm going to continue the happy process of shredding minutes from 3 years plus of parish meetings. Very therapeutic!

Of Daughters, Doctors and Daffodils

May God our maker
Our mother
Our friend
Wrap us in wholeness
Keep us in kindness
And bless us each day on our journey
AMEN

Mothering Sunday here in the UK, which made for a busy busy weekend.

On Saturday Hattie Gandhi came home from uni, so that we could all go out for a family lunch together - a real treat...eating seared prawns and salad sitting outside in the sunshine... It felt like the last moments of calm before a pretty continous period of manic activity, and I savoured it to the full.
Later she treated me to a trip to the cinema to see Juno, which she'd already seen in Cardiff. Great film, though very strange to be there with an audience of girls mostly younger than the protagonist. I was interestered to note those times that they found funny which I really really didn't...Good conversation on the way home. We sent alot of hugs across the Pond to someone who might just be reading this.

Youth Group sleepover to prepare for Sunday worship...Lots of very busy and tired people...some stupid mistakes from the curate in preparing the service sheets, a bit of anxiety that the whole thing would flop, but those kids are amazing. Calm, kind, competent. I know who did the ministering, as we struggled to tie up loose ends some time after midnight - and it certain wasn't the curate.


The service, in the event, was a great success. Fervent prayers were answered. Dr Who's arrival at St Mary's was as smooth as anything that depends on a faulty widget in the space time continuum is ever likely to be. The Tardis docked successfully on top of the pulpit and together we tried to educate the Doctor in the ways of the church and the meaning of Baptism. Our learning was enhanced hugely by the three shiney children we baptized this morning - the younger sisters of one of my Koinonia stalwarts, whom it was sheer joy to bring to the waters of Baptism.
As we shared the Peace, one of the characters in our drama explained

“Everyone who belongs to God’s family needs to share his love and his peace with others…Loving and caring isn’t something limited to God…Nobody’s too old or too young to need it or to give it – and everyone deserves a posy when they manage to, because God’s love makes life beautiful.”

There was alot of that love about in the church this morning, reaching out to those whose experiences of motherhood survived or lamented as much as to those who were happy to celebrate amid the warmth of their families.
Junior Church waited to give posies of daffodils to everyone as they came back from the altar rail...and I do so hope that everyone who helps to make the Church a loving and nurturing community felt that their kindnesses were known and appreciated. There have been so many there who have mothered me as a baby priest...allowed me to learn, to get things wrong, but yet to still hold the authority of the orders amazingly entrusted to me.

Not long ago the Best Spiritual Director Ever was helping me to reflect on models of ministry that might loom large for me both in this time of letting go at St M's and in the new context that lies ahead. I said then that I was anxious to avoid falling into the role of manic mother, intent on being the major care giver and so inadvertently disabling others. Together we came up with the picture of player/conductor in a baroque orchestra...needing to be expert on her own instrument but not for a moment dreaming that she needs to play every other instrument in the ensemble...though still having a sense of how they might best work together, which parts would work best on which instruments and how the whole should sound.

At OpenHouse this afternoon, no one voice really dominated. We were just glad to be together in our Father's house. On Thursday I had a very belated "ah hah" moment, when I realised that the most important thing any parent could tell their children was summed up in the chorus
"God loves you and I love you and that's the way it should be"
I've just googled this, and the only place it appears on the net is at shipoffools hall of shame for Cringey and Cr*ppy choruses...and I'd agree that the musical merits of the piece are limited, to put it mildly. However, given a congregation of under 8s and their parents and carers it hits the spot nicely - and I'd absolutely go the stake in defence of the basic sentiment.
So...we sang that...WonderfulVicar did an excellent job of telling a story illustrated by paper tearing...we made and decorated Mothering Sunday prayer bookmarks....and suddenly it was the end...time for the Blessing. My last OpenHouse.
Ouch.
The traditional conclusion, a wild rampage around the church featuring assorted children, an even greater assortment of percussion instruments and "You shall go out with joy" didn't actually manage to divert me this time.
Too many lovely people saying lovely things.
I'm really not good at saying Goodbye. Beautiful card from a family whose wedding had been the first I was involved with, and whose son I baptised last year...many hugs...rather alot of determined blinking...and there's still three weeks to go before I actually leave. Bother. This hurts rather...

A WHOLE extra day

It sounds so grand, doesn't it...and I really did have plans to use this bonus day creatively (having agreed with a parishioner earlier this week that we ought by rights to be able to declare it a public holiday, since nobody's schedule ought ever to depend upon 29th February). In the event, though, I spent most of today arguing with Publisher - surely the least co-operative program on the planet - as I put together the service sheet for Sunday's Koinonia Eucharist (and Baptism).
I've been doing some other bits for Sunday too, so have reached practically bedtime in a very grumpy mood. My own fault. I know perfectly well that a whole day at the desk is a recipe for disaster...Thankfully I've some teaching tomorrow, and no sermon prep this weekend, so escape is imminent.

Meanwhile, there IS this whole extra day, and Songbird in tandem with Will Smama have a Friday Five dedicated to the gentle art of leaping.

The Friday Five...leap year edition!

It's Leap Day!! Whether you're one of the special few who have a birthday only once every four years, or simply confused by the extra day on the calendar, everyone is welcome to join in and play our Leap Year Friday Five.

Tell us about a time you:

1. Leapt before looked:
Ummm....I hate making decisions (who knows where the road not taken might lead, after all?) so this happens rarely. I don't think we looked very hard at the reality when we left London for a run down farmhouse in small Cotswold village - but I'd dreamed the rural idyll dream for so long that in one way we'd done nothing but look before the leap came. But following my heart can often look very much like leaping without thought...because the official evidence just isn't part of my decision making process.

2. Leapt to a conclusion:
ALL THE TIME! Who would ever go from A through B and C when they could instead head straight for Z - even if the actual destination is somewhere around G? A child late home? Road accident for sure. Good friend with headache? that'll be the brain tumour then...WonderfulVicar quiet after I've preached? he's trying to decide how best to tell me that I'm about to be tried for heresy....oh, and of course I know the end of LCM's sentence before he's got half way through it (Actually I generally do, but he really doesn't like my completing it for him)

3. Took a Leap of Faith: despite loving and cherishing Mike Yaconelli's work, including "Jump first, fear later" I am all too prone to the opposite approach. I dithered around in the "what ifs" for a long time before obeying the call to ministry...I opted for obedience in bite sized pieces, shifting only gradually from Reader ministry to consider the faint possibility of non stipendiary priesthood...finally landing where I needed to be only 2 years before I was actually ordained. God is incredibly patient, and indeed generous - as He continues to give me a very clear vision of where he wants me, even as I stand havering on the brink refusing point blank to trust and go. O


4. Took a literal Leap. Me? Leap? No, I come down as decorously as possible, with an eye to likely potholes and places to turn my ankle or jolt my back. I'm distressingly middle aged in this respect...falling off Hattie Gandhi's horse a couple of years ago taught me that I'm well past the stage when I could hope to bounce - so I'd rather not leap in case of coming down hard.

5. And finally, what might you be faced with leaping in the coming year?
In just a month I'll confront the reality of my first Responsibility Post - a transition which someone compared to leaving school one day as a head prefect and coming in next morning as the Head teacher. I hope that's a slight exaggeration, but I suspect not - so that will surely satisfy any leaping urges I have for the foreseeable future.
Which, of course, brings me to the psalm : with the help of my God, I SHALL leap over the wall...but please, does anyone have a trampoline?

Lots to do...

so probably lots of blogging!
I've been tagged by Revd Dr Kate for the "middle name meme", which works like this...

1. You have to post the rules before you give your answers.

2. You must list one fact about yourself beginning with each letter of your middle name. (If you don't have a middle name, use your maiden name or your mother's maiden name).

3. At the end of your blog post, you need to tag one person for each letter of your middle name. (Be sure to leave them a comment telling them they've been tagged.)

(Church) Choirs – have been a huge and formative influence on my personal faith…Eastbourne College, Trinity Cambridge, St John the Divine Kennington – so many milestones in my journey…from realising the huge truth expressed in Vaughan William’s setting of “Love bade me welcome” when I was 16, to singing my way through my first full Holy Week 8 years later,and knowing that this was the most real thing ever.

Libraries – are practically my favourite public space…When I was a child, the public library allowed you to borrow up to 6 books on a children’s ticket. The library was on the far side of town, - a fairly substantial bus ride from home…which meant that by the time I got there, I’d almost always consumed at least 2 if not 3 of my weekly book allocation…There were times when I had to turn round and head back to the library that same day. Hooray for adult tickets and more generous times!

Affirmation – is something I wish I were less dependent on. I’m deeply thankful for those friends and parishioners who recognise and meet this need.

Introvert – I’m not by any stretch of the imagination…but I now need more space and silence than I’d ever have imagined before ordination. Can you be a shy extrovert Kate? If so, that's me.

Retreat – I need one, soon. It’s 10 months since I was last at Llan and I’m beginning to notice that I’m in a shallower place than is good for me. Currently hoping to escape for silence early in July – by which stage I should be beginning to learn at least the outline of my new communities.

Excited – by too many things to list – but a selection include the prospect of admitting a daughter AND her father to Holy Communion on Easter Sunday…a wonderful gift from one of the congregation here (which I’ll tell you more about when it arrives in a few months)….the possibilities of developing alternative worship in my new parishes (which are on the edge of a town with pronounced “New Age” tendencies)…a pile of lovely books which I will get to read one day…my first trip across the Pond…and, of course, the new life and ministry that we’re hurtling towards at breakneck speed.

I'm going to tag by blog name...Cheesehead, LutheranChik, Against a Brick Wall, Inner Dorothy, Rebel without a Pew and Earthchick Erin (oh...if only i'd worked harder at my seven things project, moving house would be a little less scary).No obligation, though...I know it's a busy time, and not everyone out there is quite as good at displacement as the Curate.

In all things thee to see

When Maggi invited me to preach on George Herbert in her college chapel, I kicked up an enormous fuss and went into paroxysms of inadequacy...but I have to say that the process of preparing the sermon turned out to be pure joy.
Herbert has been such a huge and influential figure in my personal landscape of faith...Herbert the poet, not Herbert the perfect priest, the one who inspired the heart felt advice (offered, I'm sure, between gritted teeth) "If you meet George Herbert on the road - kill him" ! To actually have to spend time with him once again, to immerse myself in a world view that was second nature to me when I was doing my research some 20 years ago...and to revisit poems I'd nearly forgotten in the interim.
Today the church gives thanks for Herbert, for the huge gift his writing has been to so many through the ages...so here's a poem that proves that he was never one who had it all "sewn up", whether as a man or as a priest.

THE TEMPER. (I)

HOW should I praise thee, Lord !
how should my rymes
Gladly engrave thy love in steel,
If what my soul doth feel sometimes,
My soul might ever feel !

Although there were some fourtie heav’ns, or more,
Sometimes I peere above them all ;
Sometimes I hardly reach a score,
Sometimes to hell I fall.

O rack me not to such a vast extent ;
Those distances belong to thee :
The world’s too little for thy tent,
A grave too big for me.

Wilt thou meet arms with man,
that thou dost stretch
A crumme of dust from heav’n to hell ?
Will great God measure with a wretch ?
Shall he thy stature spell ?

O let me, when thy roof my soul hath hid,
O let me roost and nestle there :
Then of a sinner thou art rid,
And I of hope and fear.

Yet take thy way ; for sure thy way is best :
Stretch or contract me thy poore debter :
This is but tuning of my breast,
To make the musick better.

Whether I flie with angels, fall with dust,
Thy hands made both, and I am there.
Thy power and love, my love and trust,
Make one place ev’ry where.


The thesis I never completed would have examined Herbert's use of musical imagery to explore our relationship with God...our need to be tuned in to Him if we are ever to sing as we ought...but it's the last verse of this poem that I love most, for its recognition of the reality of life which is never wholly spent on the heights nor in the deep and dark places of the soul...but is always and wholly God's.
In the sunshine and birdsong of a wonderful spring day, I give thanks once again for this priest and poet who encouraged generations to see God in all things, and to do everything as in His service.

Drake's prayer

which (as Hugger Steward pointed out) can helpfully be prayed by those of us in times of transition

Disturb us, Lord,
when we are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we have dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when
With the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wider seas
Where storms will show your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.

We ask You to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push into the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.

For the sake of completeness

because I've blogged all other alt worship events, here are the Living Water stations I used

WATER SUSTAINS Thus says the Lord: Cursed are those who trust in mere mortals and make mere flesh their strength, whose hearts turn away from the Lord. They shall be like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see when relief comes. They shall live in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land. Blessed are those who trust in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. They shall be like a tree planted by water, sending out its roots by the stream. It shall not fear when heat comes, and its leaves shall stay green; in the year of drought it is not anxious, and it does not cease to bear fruit. Jeremiah 17:5-10
These adverts represent some things that people aspire to, possessions and belongings that they believe will make all the difference to them…. Too often, we behave as if material security is the most important thing of all, and depend on what we own rather than depending on our unique identity as God’s beloved children. Choose an advert that might appeal to you…think about what it could represent in your life and then, if you wish, set it aside and read this prayer written by a great adventurer, Sir Francis Drake:( if you’d like, there are copies for you to take away with you).

WATER ENABLES GROWTH
O God, You are my God; Early will I seek You; My soul thirsts for You; My flesh longs for You In the dry and thirsty land (Ps.63:1)

Water is essential to life…Nothing can survive without it. In the same way, our souls, our true selves, cannot survive without God. Without God, we will never achieve our full potential as human beings…we’ll be like seeds that have never germinated. Take a mustard seed home with you…dampen the cotton wool, and ensure that it remains damp. As you wait for signs of growth, pray that you will always continue your search for God, who is the source of all life and growth.

WATER CLEANSES
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me. (Psalm 51:v2,7,10)
As we continue to travel through the weeks of Lent, we can use the time before Easter to consider the things we long to change, about ourselves, our relationships, our own small corner of the world. At Easter, specially at the Vigil Service, we can recommit to our Baptismal vows, and rejoice once again that God’s forgiveness is as boundless as the oceans…it sweeps away all our failures, all our regrets, all our sins Pick up a stone…Hold it as you talk to God about those things you are sorry for. When you are ready, drop it into the font and know that God has forgiven you, completely and wholly.
"When we confess our sins, God casts them into the deepest ocean, gone forever….Then he puts up a sign “NO FISHING ALLOWED” (Corrie ten Boom)

WATER HEALS
Now in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate there is a pool, called in Hebrew Beth-zatha, which has five porticoes. In these lay many invalids—blind, lame, and paralysed. They were waiting for the moving of the water. For an angel went down at a certain time into the pool and stirred up the water; then whoever stepped in first, after the stirring of the water, was made well of whatever disease he had. One man was there who had been ill for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had been there a long time, he said to him, ‘Do you want to be made well?’ The sick man answered him, ‘Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; and while I am making my way, someone else steps down ahead of me.’ Jesus said to him, ‘Stand up, take your mat and walk.’ At once the man was made well, and he took up his mat and began to walk. (John 5 1-9)

The man whom Jesus healed had waited beside the pool for many years, because he had no friends to help him to the place of healing. We can all act as friends, supporting people in need by our prayers, offering their pain, their troubles to God for his healing. If you wish, write a name or a situation on a flower, fold the petals around it and float it in the water fountain as you ask God for whatever healing seems good to him.


WATER CAN BE FROZEN – BUT ICE THAWS
A new heart I will give you, and a new spirit I will put within you; and I will remove from your body the heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.
Ezekiel 36:26

Sometimes we choose to shut ourselves off from God, to harden our hearts, to block our ears, to freeze God out….but we are made to be in loving relationship with Him, and the warmth of his love can melt even the most frozen heart. Sit and watch the ice candle for a few moments If you like, use this meditation to help you focus…

My heart is hard, frozen solid, ice cold and hidden beneath a protective layer.
My heart is hard, solidified by constant bruising and wounding, scarred and damaged.
My heart is hard, obsessed with my own needs and desires, focussed and single minded.
My heart is hard, wary of exposing its inner weakness, my fears and insecurities.
My heart is hard, turned to stone by bitterness and argument, by anger.
My heart is hard, hardened by my own determination to live by my own strength.
My heart is hard, crusted over by years of ignoring the cry of God.

Yet you melt hearts.
You melt the hearts of the hurting
You melt the hearts of the lonely
You melt the hearts of the empty
You melt the hearts of the grieving
You melt the hearts of the weak
You melt the hearts of the insecure
You melt the hearts of the helpless
You melt the hearts of the scared
You melt the hearts of the failure

You melt the hearts of those who have had enough of human answers,
of answers that do not fit the questions,
of answers that demand a different question,
of answers that do not ring true,
of answers that belong to someone else and somewhere else,
of answers that have been tried and found wanting,
of answers that have no real meaning.

Melt my heart,
Melt our hearts,
Melt our hearts so we will be open to hear your cry, to heed your call,

Melt the hearts of those we love,
Melt the hearts of those we struggle with,
Melt the hearts of those we meet on the way,
Melt the hearts of those you lead us to,
So all may be both loved and loving. (adapted from words by Mark Berry)



WATER OF LIFE
A Samaritan woman came to draw water, and Jesus said to her, ‘Give me a drink’. (His disciples had gone to the city to buy food.) The Samaritan woman said to him, ‘How is it that you, a Jew, ask a drink of me, a woman of Samaria?’ (Jews do not share things in common with Samaritans.) Jesus answered her, ‘If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, “Give me a drink”, you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.’ The woman said to him, ‘Sir, you have no bucket, and the well is deep. Where do you get that living water? Are you greater than our ancestor Jacob, who gave us the well, and with his sons and his flocks drank from it?’ Jesus said to her, ‘Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but those who drink of the water that I will give them will never be thirsty. The water that I will give will become in them a spring of water gushing up to eternal life.’ The woman said to him, ‘Sir, give me this water, so that I may never be thirsty or have to keep coming here to draw water.’ John 4 7-15
The Samaritan woman came to Jesus in the heat of the day…in the middle of a busy life. In the middle of your busy life, pause to be with Jesus. Make yourself comfortable Take time to watch the words and images on the screen. When you’re ready, pour yourself some water and drink it, thanking God for the water of life he offers to us.

Living Water- something old, something new, something borrowed...

I'm always very aware as I prepare prayer trails and alternative Eucharists that the world of alt.worship is one where a magpie is very much at home.
Not only do you see potential worship aids in the most unlikely places (toy shops and of course Ikea spring to mind...but other people's skips have also yielded some treasures:sandpit, anyone?) but you constantly plunder shiney bits of ideas from other people too.
In this context I am hugely grateful to Fr Simon and blessed, whose agnus dei site* is the sort of gift to worship planners that Hugger Steward and I had long dreamed of...So many riches, there to be used freely. Bliss!

Last night, therefore, I was able to set up a station in the chapel using a loop of Simon's living waters video...with jugs of water and glasses to underline the message

I also borrowed from Jonny Baker (well, there's a surprise) in making our own ice candles, inspired by one of his worship tricks, and using a adaptation of a meditation by Mark Berry.

Jenny Baker was represented by the water flowers from Tune In, Chill Out
while my usual online conversations with Maggi Dawn on the traditional theme of "Help, what do I do for ...." were supplemented very helpfully by a face to face at her kitchen table last week, which not only gave me some workable ideas but helped me refine the overall vision too. It was also Maggi who first introduced me to the wonderful prayer of Sir Francis Drake that featured at one of the stations.

So - I'm not sure if Living Water counted as "creative worship", in that so much of the material was borrowed and adapted. On the other hand, if "creative" means
"Enabling people to encounter God in fresh ways", then I rather think it did...and I had such fun sewing the patchwork together.

*www.agnusdei.org.uk currently seems to be down, but a recent email from Fr Simon confirmed that this is a temporary aberration, and not cause for wholesale panic

First and last times...

Yesterday was interesting....Very full-on Sunday morning as I was both presiding and preaching at 10.00 (which will be a familiar scenario ere long, so worth a reminder), then we shot over to Gloucester as St M's choir (including the Dufflepud) were doing Choral Evensong in the Cathedral. I may be biased, but I thought they did really well, - though I realised that being very fond of and concerned for our junior choristers can make me feel disturbingly as if I am their mum! While V was making a wonderful job of Mendelssohn's Hear my Prayer I found myself singing every note in my head, breathing for her, doing all the stuff that I do when Hattie Gandhi is performing. Felt both tearful and exhausted when she reached the end...it was very beautiful.

Home to set out prayer stations reflecting the theme from the morning's gospel
"Water of Life"...WonderfulVicar and I had assumed that the absence of the choir would mean a tiny congregation for Evening Prayer, so had agreed that I would offer the prayer trail I had planned for Koinonia to this rather traditional congregation. Two years ago, even one year ago I would simply not have entertained this idea, but in the event it went really well, with almost everyone engaging with the stations and some very positive feedback at the door.
You read it first here, folks...St M's embraces alt worship at evensong!!!

Later, the youth group made their way round those same stations, in a church now lit almost exclusively by candles, and with the hypnotic sound of Philip Roderick's hang drum CD playing softly in the background. I sat at the back and drank in the whole thing, thanking God for all that I've received through these forays into multi-sensory worship here...and for the youth group whose needs gave me the courage to experiment.



There was a bit of stupidity from one quarter later in the evening - which was possibly just as well, as I'd have hated to spend the time wallowing in tearful thoughts of the "Last time here..." variety...But it was good!

One more step along the world I go...

...from the old things to the new
Keep me travelling along with you"

A good song, if rather overworked. I'll never forget Rabbi Lionel Blue persuading an audience of the worthies of Cheltenham to sing it along with him, as a present he could take to his friend the hymn's writer, Sydney Carter, then languishing in a nursing home with dementia. Suddenly, incredibly, the Everyman Theatre was holy ground....

However, this is by the by.
The reason "One more step" gets a mention today is because it's a particular favourite of my good friend who blogs as Marcella, and, as you'll see, it's currently particularly appropriate for her.
Marcella is a superstar, you know: long-time leader of Little Fishes and befriender of many a toddler-bound mother, OpenHouse team member, periodic accomplice with the Curate in the consumption of very large gins…and now...(roll of drums) charity fundraiser.

Marcella has experience within her family of the realities of eating disorders and being a woman of strength and resourcefulness has done a massive amount to educate herself and others about this rather neglected area. Frustration at the systems which ought to help but somehow can’t, occasional moments of joy as someone says or does a simple thing to make a difference…feeling helpless in the face of misunderstanding and ignorance….this seems to be very much the stuff of life for the families of those dealing with eating disorders.

In the UK there is a support charity BEAT and this is Eating Disorders Awareness week. Combine these facts with Marcella’s lifelong desire, as a Kentish girl, to emulate Chaucer’s pilgrims and travel from Southwark to Canterbury and you have the ingredients for
The Families Tale.

Today she and 2 friends set out from Southwark to walk a modern version of the pilgrim way…
They would welcome sponsorship and prayer but above all they are trying to raise the profile of eating disorders, which make life a huge struggle for so many.
I’m sad that my departure from St M’s is too close to allow me time out to walk with them, but they are very much at the forefront of my thoughts and prayers this week. Please do visit the blog and website and send a supportive message if you’ve time. I know it would be appreciated.