Sunday, July 16, 2006

As may be painfully obvious, I was an only child, and thus probably exhibit all sorts of spoiled singleton traits of which I'm happily oblivious. (Apologies if you're some of the people up whose nose I get with these...)
I really enjoyed only-child status, as I got on happily with adults, was allowed the space and time I needed to read and read and read some more, and always got to choose the pudding! Latterly, though, I've been aware of a few down-sides (beyond the obvious one of finding myself abruptly abandoned at 18, which, despite what you'd imagine, truly wasn't that bad). One of these is the need I have to do everything (if there's only you, and you don't do something, then nobody does), which manifests itself not so much as an urge to have fingers in every parish pie as in a feeling of most unreasonable disappointment when I have to miss out on a chance I've been offered. So it is that, with the excitement of the India trip getting more real every day (did I tell you that my e ticket has arrived in my in box?) I am wasting time and energy feeling thoroughly upset because while I'm away the other curates will have an overnight training session on healing ministry.
I'm grumpy about this for several reasons...
  1. When asked for suggestions for training events next year, healing ministry was something I begged for
  2. There have actually been requests that we hold the odd healing service at St M's, - which is so miraculously counter to their customary approach ( "God is dangerous and only to be approached when duly protected by the utmost liturgical formality" ) that I feel the interest can only be a direct response to the Holy I want to start something asap, but have less than no experience
  3. Though there is a diocesan day on healing planned for February, we have yet another curate training CME day (with the utterly wonderful David Hoyle, so I can't even really resent this) scheduled to clash with this.
  4. (Very ignoble) It's being held at a retreat house I've not yet visited, and wanted to investigate.
Rationally, I am absolutely aware that there will be other opportunities to learn about this ministry, that I could probably find comparable training through the enticing Retreats Guide and that if God wants me to learn more, he'll certainly make it possible.
But the "do it all" only child is still sulking big time because she can't actually have her cake and eat it this time,- and knowing that I'm being silly isn't helping at all. Grrrr.


Rebecca said...

That, for me as a young adult, is the absolute worst thing about being an only child... The fear of what happens when my parents die.

I hope you do get to do the healing ministries day eventually.

see-through faith said...

Kathryn as I read this - I felt God nudge me and say "She'll be ministering healing in India without the seminar ..."

test it but I believe God knew this all along - and HE never disappoints. The fact that you are hungry to bring his healing to people is enough. It's about relying on himand his power to raise people from the dead, allow the blind to see and bind the broken hearted and not your training.

end of lecture and heaps of hugs and love. It's hard when you feel left out of something good isn't it?


Kathryn said...

Rebecca,- when I was growing up (assuming that I've achieved this) I had the classic only-child nightmares about how awful it would be when my parents died. The reality was so much more manageable than the fears, I promise; sure, bits were cr** but you'll find strength you had no idea about, all sorts of wonderful people in unexpected places...and of course, you have your lovely husband and (I think I'm right??) a decent network of extended family too. When it comes to it, you'll be fine. I promise.

Lorna, thanks so much for this. Reading your comment the "why can't I play" feelings have just gone. Bless you :-)